Crisis Management 101: We Hired Gwyneth Paltrow’s Dog Walker

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After Astronomer.io’s CEO and CPO were outed for their Coldplay concert affair—via Kiss Cam, no less by lead singer Chris Martin, the company reportedly brought in a high-powered Hollywood fixer. His, ex. Gwenyth Paltrow

This incident brought insane free publicity to Astronomer who [checks website] Build, run, and observe data pipelines effortlessly. I’m not sure what this means to be honest but now neither does the entire world

The scandal has been great for Astronomer’s visibility and also Coldplay’s: the band’s audio streams were up 25% last Thursday.

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I guarantee neither does Gwenyth Paltrow. So it’s ok!

So yes, talk about a Meta-level sales funnel. Ex husband band leader ousts CEO and CPO. Chris Martin’s ex-wife and baby momma, Gwyneth Paltrow is sent in herself to the rescue.

What a great idea

We thought, for our startup data product Opps.ai, we could learn something from this.

1. We don’t have a CEO

2. We definitely don’t have HR

3. We definitely haven’t raised $375M from VCs

   

   So instead, we hired a more budget friendly spokesperson. Gwyneth Paltrow’s dog walker.

Yes. The same human who escorts her Goldendoodle past the residual Goop aura field in Brentwood now leads our top-of-funnel strategy.

Does she know Salesforce? No.

Does she understand email deliverability? Not even slightly.

Can she build an AI Agent that automates outbound workflows?

No

But she’s walked for Gwyneth, Spielberg, Witherspoon, and Mike Myers—and that’s good enough for us.

Because in this economy, who needs a PR firm when you’ve got someone who knows how to clean up actual messes left behind by Hollywood royalty?

Astronomer has kiss-cams and crisis consultants.

Opps.ai has poop bags and vibes.

We’re not managing a scandal.

We’re manifesting attention.